The Difference Between a Liberal and a Conservative (an email forward from Mom)

    

Here is the email verbatim that my mom sent me this week . . . 

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor, and then sues.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down and out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”

When I received this email, I immediately began composing a fiery response, which, to my credit, I deleted and replaced with a simple “Come on, you’re better critical thinkers than that.” I also mentioned that I forwarded it to some of my liberal friends, so we could also have a laugh to make that last item false.

Of course, lots on this list is false, or at least very, very simplified. For example, most of the liberals I know don’t want FOX News to go anywhere, if only because Glenn Beck’s theatrics are better than telenovelas and we love the way The Daily Show exposes FOX’s tricks, like using old crowd footage to make it appear that thousands of people turned out for a healthcare rally and Sarah Palin’s book signings.

Normally, email forwards from my mother don’t hurt my feelings. In fact, usually when I get a forwarded email, I look up whatever the message is on snopes.com and then hit ‘reply all’ with the link. Or Imight instead send a simple message like “there is no such thing as Obamacare.” But this particular email, with the message on the top added by my mother: ”This shows the difference in our thinking,” did kind of hurt.

Our relationship has often been difficult. We clashed early and often as I was growing up. We both try to get along, but it seems that we’re never giving the same amount of effort at the same time. I’m a complicated person, as are most people (of all political affiliations, I feel). I am quick to judge and I have more than my far share of sass, But in my defense, instead of thinking of me as I am (writer, teacher, thinker, compassionate person, occasional philanthropist, a woman in her thirties who’s spent time since the Reagan administration analyzing her positions) my mother sees me, according to this email forward, as these things: whiny, greedy, doctrinaire, litigious, and slimy.

How can she chat with me on the phone, cheerfully tell me she loves me as we hang up, and then send me this email the very next day?

I can only reply to most of these sweeping generalizations with “Well, I only want certain guns, like assault rifles, harder to get” (really, does anyone need a machine gun? really?) or, “I’ve never sued anyone,” and “I can’t speak for all liberals, but I see Afghanistan as much more complicated than either winning at all costs or backing out slowly with our tails between our legs.” However, I admit that there are things on this list that are true for this particular liberal. For example, when I was newly vegetarian I was very obnoxious about it. I never wanted meat to be illegal (veal maybe, but not meat in general) but I did indeed lecture people, I made vats of vegetarian chili to bring to cook-outs hoping to fill people up before the burgers were off the grill. But I’ve always been much more annoying in my anti-smoking crusade, to tell you the truth. After a year or maybe less of a vegetarian lifestyle, I chilled out and pretty much decided that people could eat whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t try to force me to eat to their preferences.

(A sidenote: the people who are rudest to vegetarians are generally the ones who feel guilty about eating meat, often times failed veggies themselves. Once, the daughter of a South Dakota rancher found my presence offensive, as if I had spit on her family photos by not eating meat. Another sidenote: my mom used to sneak meat into my food, such as lying to me that the potatoes were not made with chicken broth. She also used to make me go to church when she knew I was an atheist. She couldn’t live and let live, and really, that turns numbers one and two back on her as a conservative, don’t you think?)

Another point that reflects on me is the one about health insurance. I’ll admit it; it’s true. I want a public option so that I don’t have to have a full time job to get health benefits. I was laid off in June and have only been able to work part time. (My parents, btw, are on social security and Medicare. Interesting that people with socialized medicine are against it for the rest of us). I’m worried about losing my COBRA. But this conviction is not just for me: I think everyone should be covered because I don’t think healthcare is a privilege, like a driver’s or a gun license . It’s a right. And interestingly, I’ve noticed that poor people pay taxes. Now really, do you have to be a liberal to prefer seeing your neighbors able to take their kids to the doctor over seeing crooked bankers take home millions in bonuses? Or millions of taxpayer dollars lost on a pallet somewhere in Iraq? Are these just liberal preferences?

I’m struck by the double-standard stereotyping in this list. I mean, usually the Right paints liberals as Hollywood types, snooty academics, or wealthy Eastcoasters, out of touch with reality. But in this list, liberals are poor, whiny takers waiting for handouts. Don’t try to have it both ways, Righties: consistency is step one towards selling people on your point. Color the enemy one way for clarity. And if you’re going to stereotype liberals, it makes more sense to go with the original– it is an established fact that liberalism goes up with one’s level of education.

I’m also struck by some of the assumptions in this list. For example: ”If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.”

So the assumptions are that gay conservatives live under the radar *by choice*. It also suddenly turns demanding respect into a bad thing. I was always taught that the only way to gain respect is to deserve and demand it. This statement also assumes that you have to be liberal to want gay rights. Plus, it also assumes that only gay people fight for gay rights. Not true, as shown by this awesome kid in Arkansas. These are the extreme views that so many members of the GOP are fighting against. Ask Meghan McCain if you have to be gay or liberal to believe in gay rights (which is really just a more specific way of saying “human rights”). Actually, you don’t have to ask her. I’ll show you right here what she said about it in her most recent column, found in its entirety here at The Daily Beast:

The problem I have with my fellow Republicans is why gay marriage is the trump card in any situation. It seems that as long as you are against gay marriage, any scandal in your life can be overlooked or overcome. When you are in favor of it, however—and I have been very vocal about my support—that position defines you.

What Feminism (& the World) Need Now — Positivity (Part 2)

Meet my pal Matt, here with my “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt pressed up to his hard, runner’s body:*

Matt is an interactive and social media marketer, marathon runner, and guy. He has a gorgeous girlfriend (who just happens to be a brilliant engineer), is a dedicated Vikings fan, and moderate beer drinker. He’s also very warm, funny, and intelligent, visible in the following quote below:

To me, feminism isn’t so much the conventional notion of women burning their bras and running through the streets screaming “I hate men!” It’s much deeper than that. I believe it’s more about challenging traditional ideas that say that women can’t do this or have to do that, whether in the workplace, home or playing field. Feminism means “no boundaries” and at the heart of the word, it is less about gender and more about being self-sufficient, empowering those around you, and spreading the knowledge that you don’t have to do what society says you should do.

(I’m happy that he brought the outdated notions of feminism, especially bra burning because it gives me an opportunity to debunk it as a myth: No, women did not burn bras, they tossed them. Draft cards were set on fire. And lots of feminists love men.)

You can follow Matt on Twitter (@mattjac) and see his blog here.

*Yes, I see the irony of objectifying someone’s body when writing about feminism. I’m funny like that.

I Heart the Brilliant (and underrated) Weird Al Yankovic, Part 2

It saddens me that so many think of Al as “The ‘Eat It’ Guy.” Even some urban hipsters with whom I hang have called him “just a parody artist.” I have two major issues with this. Number One: Indeed, he is not just a parody artist, and Number Two: What’s that supposed to mean, “just a parody artist”? Do you think it’s easy? Would you say that Christopher Guest is “just” a mockumentary filmmaker because he is most famous for the films This Is Spinal Tap and Best In Show? Hell no you wouldn’t, and Weird Al deserves the same respect. It takes Al’s singular talent to create parody with scathing satire and a keen wit that’s also listenable.

I’ve previously shared my top original songs (which included some style parodies) in a post called “I Heart the Brilliant (and underrated) Weird Al Yankovic, Part 1, and now it’s time for me to offer my top ten straight-up Weird Al song parodies.

1. Couch Potato

Eminem writes catchy songs, but his lyrics leave much to be desired. Al’s lyrics in this “Lose Yourself” parody brilliantly encapture exactly how television gets under our skin and into every cell.

2. All About the Pentiums

A parody of “All About the Benjamins,” this song taught me all I know about PCs. And it’s so fun to sing along with!

3. The Saga Begins

“A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack . . .” I have never seen Episode 1, and I don’t have too– thanks to Al. It is no accident that he took a very familiar tune (“American Pie”) and told part of the Star Wars story, which is a story that’s also part of our national consciousness. 

4. The Brady Bunch

One of many Al songs that discuss the American obsession with television, “The Brady Bunch” is to the tune of “The Safety Dance.” The narrator of the song is presumably talking to his roommate, pleading with him not to watch The Brady Bunch, because there’s only one TV set so the narrator’s gotta watch it, too. (I love how it doesn’t occur to him that he could do something else).

5. I Can’t Watch This

From Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This,” “I Can’t Watch This” brings the listener back to the terrible TV of 1990, including certain commercials (like that tenacious Energizer bunny and the old woman who had fallen and couldn’t get up).

6. Achy Breaky Song

Miley Cyrus has a father, Billy Ray. And he was a one-hit wonder and his hit was annoying, as Al’s song suggests. In fact, he lists all the other atrocious things he’d rather hear than that “Achy Breaky Song.” Donnie and Marie, a Yoko Ono marathon, even Tiffany are all okay, as long as he doesn’t hear that nauseating “Achy Breaky Song.” Perhaps my favorite thing about it is that in order to create this parody, Al had to spend quite a bit of time with that irritating song. (I never liked the song, but it must not have been so bad because I enjoy singing along with Al).

7. Jerry Springer

A parody of Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week,” Jerry Springer is told from the point of view of a person who tapes each episode and is beginning to realize he’s got a problem. The audiences are so desensitized to things that are whack that the episodes have to grow more and more extreme. (It makes me sad that this one didn’t make the cut for The Essential Weird Al, available now).

Remastered for your pleasure!

8. White and Nerdy

Many artists appreciate Al’s parodies and consider them a badge of honor. Chamillionaire is one of those artists he’s even said that he had Al to thank for his Grammy for “Ridin’.”

9. Canadian Idiot

Green Day’s “American Idiot” is a brilliant song in itself, and Al’s version is less a parody but an extension of that song. “American Idiot’ satirizes what they see as failings with American attitudes (especially the media causing paranoia); “Canadian Idiot’ does the same. All of the so-described shortcomings of Canadians are actually turned back on America (and people who don’t see that don’t get satire). One of the biggest Canadian stereotypes is their politeness, but could it be that mocking Canadian politeness might suggest that Americans are a smidge too rude? And the Celcius thing– why does America reject the metric system? Seriously, people. It’s 2009.

Addendum to Fall TV

he needs a haircut, but i like him.

I can’t believe I didn’t mention BORED TO DEATH. Jason Schwartzman is terrific, and Ted Danson is truly hysterical. If you don’t know about about it, here’s the deal. After a breakup, Jonathan hits Craigslist. No, not to find someone to get under to help him get over his ex– he has a different idea to distract him from his heartbreak. He advertises himself as an unlicensed private investigator and hilarity ensues.

Fall Television!

The first week of October, my BFF and I submitted our book’s manuscript to the publisher, so now we play the waiting game. You may have noticed that I haven’t posted much lately, and that is the reason why– during crunchtime of the book, I didn’t do much besides write, edit, and argue with Word ‘07. Plus, on Sept. 8, classes started at Milwaukee School of Engineering, where I am teaching humanities and speech this quarter. I have 75 engineering students relying on me! That’s a big job. But since the book has been FedExed (which coincided with fall [the most depressing time of the year] happening in Milwaukee), I have been able to check out some new shows and get reunited with some old favorites.*

THE SIMPSONS

Okay, obviously, as a Simpsonologist, I’m excited for the 21st season of The Simpsons. Matt and Co. have great treats in store for us, including a contest to create a a character and work with the creative types at the show to help design the character. Seth Rogan appeared and co-wrote the season premiere, and this Sunday’s Treehouse of Horror looks terrific. Also, Morgan Spurlock is directing a documentary to air in January that Karma and I have tried desperately to be a part of, but with no success. Yet.

PARKS AND RECREATION

I’ll admit, last year, I mainly watched Parks and Rec because because I really like that plucky Rachida Jones and it was on at a very convenient time– I can say it– The Office isn’t just a television show; it’s a part of my life. Surprisingly, the second season so far of Parks and Recreation is terrific, and gets my vote for most improved show. Although I can do without Saturday Night Live crossovers (Fred Armisen was on this week’s episode), the writing is clever and Leslie Knope is a loveable, clueless optimist.

COMMUNITY

As a proud product of a community college, I am compelled to like this show. Afterall, how many shows have there been where a community college was the main set? (The only one that comes to mind for me is The Parkers, but I’m not going to take the time to google it, I admit). But while it definitely has its moments, and Joel McHale is wonderful, this show is not super great. But it just might need some time to come into its own (and maybe they’ll ditch Chevy, who adds nothing to the show, IMO), so I’m going to keep watching, at least for a bit. It could just surpirse us in the future, like Parks and Recreation does now.

THE GOOD WIFE

Juliana Margulies is terrific as Alicia, the wife of a cheating bastard of a politician. She goes back to work to bring home the bacon while her husband waits for her to visit him in jail (played by Chris Noth). He seems flummoxed, by the way, that she is chilly towards him on her visits. But it’s understandable to the audience that she would be, knowing as we do that she found out on CNBC that her husband was cheating on her and their kids have seen the video of a hooker sucking his toes. The framing family story is compelling enough, but the juice of the show is that it’s a courtroom drama, with the mystery of interesting cases unfolding before the eyes and the intrigue and backstabbing we expect from our lawyer shows. Don’t be deceived by the title- the show is as much a chick show as Law and Order SVU is. And the supporting cast is nothing to scoff at– Chris Noth, as I mentioned, as well as Christine Baranzski, Matt Czuchry (who will always be Logan to me) and Josh Charles (from the beloved Aaron Sorkin show, Sports Night.

I still can't believe they broke up!

ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE

I admit, I have a soft spot for Jenna Elfman. I loved her as Dharma, and Keeping The Faith is one of my all-time favorite movies. So I really want to like this show. And it does have its moments, but it’s not rocking my socks off. I’m giving it one or two more chances, though, and we’ll see. I am really missing Samantha Who?, and I was hoping this would be a replacement. So far, I have no replacement.

EASTWICK

I had read or heard or something that the critics weren’t liking it. I also heard it might not be on much longer. BUMMER! I love this show! Yes, it’s a chick show. Yes, it’s coming from a place that has been explored already. But it’s good, I swear! It’s well written, funny, clever, and has really, really likeable characters. I never realized until a couple of weeks ago that I like Rebecca Romjin. Who knew? Also, don’t think that I’m judgemental about love or anything, but I was watching one night and it occurred to me that Lindsay Price looked familiar, but I couldn’t place it. So I IMDbed her, and check this out: her parents were siblings! Her mother had been adopted and her mom and dad got together as adults. Wow! Kind of blew my mind a bit. (Oh, and it turns out, it was Coupling, I think, that I remembered her from).

MERCY

I’d been looking to scratch my ER itch, and I really can’t like Grey’s Anatomy (I’ve tried), so I thought I’d give Mercy a go. I’ve always liked a good hospital show. And this one has the added interest of a tortured Iraq vet. Plus, it has that adorable Michelle Trachtenberg. I like this show, too! (She likes it! She likes it!). I don’t quite look forward to it the way I look forward to The Good Wife, but the stories are poignant without being overly pathos-filled, and the heroine, Veronica, truly rocks.

GLEE

Yeah, I’m watching it. Most of us Americans are, I think. Now’s the time to decide whether I have anything new to say about it . . . well, probably not, but let me say this: I encourage anyone who has not yet watched it to give it a try. Even if you think you hate glee clubs. The dialogue they give Jane Lynch is enough to make it worth your while; I promise you.

MONDAY NIGHTS ON CBS

If you’re not watching HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER and BIG BANG THEORY, what the HELL is wrong with you? These are two of the best sitcoms. Comon– don’t you miss scripted TV?

TOP CHEF

My guilty pleasure. I generally have a disdain for so-called reality shows. They’re not real at all, and I generally hate any show that has “I’m not here to make friends” as a mantra. But Top Chef rocks. Maybe it’s the foodie in me who wishes she’d gone to culinary school. I wish I could do those quickfires! Maybe it’s my massive girl crush on Padma, or hearing what snarky thing Toby will say next. But what it comes down to is that I really like rooting for someone, and for me, that someone is Kevin. Go, Kev!

*Yeah, that’s right. I’m a college instructor, I’ve co-written an academic book, I occasionally use big words just to annoy people, and I watch TV. I think there are few things more d-baggy than people who want to seem like academic types who say they don’t watch TV. Let me let you in on a little secret: Yes, they do. Most of us who read nonfiction and Margaret Atwood instead of beach novels are secure enough in our intellects that we can admit we watch and enjoy television. And if someone really doesn’t have a TV, they do sometimes miss out. Just ask Matt Selman, who has one of the best stories of stinging a non-television watching tool that I have ever heard.

Screw You!

Today, a tweet by Mindy Kaling got my attention. The tweet read “If a girl ever leaves jewelry or an item of clothing at your house after she spends the night, it is never, ever, ever an accident.” I know that she’s right, and I’m now inspired to write about the top ways I’ve found out I was being cheated on. You’ll see why at #5. So here they are in no particular order:

1. In the car with a mutual friend, singing along with “Always the Last to Know”  by the band Del Amitri, the friend says “Yep, you’re always the last to know.” When pressed, the friend verified that yes, he was telling me that my BF was seeing someone else, but he wouldn’t say who. I asked the BF, who gave it away quite easily.

2. An acquaintence overheard me lamenting to a friend that things weren’t going well with the BF, and she piped up with the information “He’s with Sasha now. I thought you knew that.” (Yes, same guy as #1. I don’t learn quickly).

3. During a hug with a BF, I could feel scabs through his shirt. So I walked around to his back, lifted up his shirt, and saw ginormous scratches. (Not the same guy as 1 & 2). I asked who did it, and he told me. I had to see her every day (in the same Love & Rockets t-shirt pretty much every day) in Spanish class.

4. I had a hunch that another girl wasn’t ”just a friend,” so I asked her best friend if anything was going on between the two of them. She said no, but I could tell she was lying. So then I pushed it: I told her that I had gotten a sexually transmitted disease from the guy (total lie), and that she should tell her friend if there was even a remote chance so she could be treated. Well, that did it. She crumbled like a stale cookie. (It went something like this: Oh, poor “____”. She really believed him too that you two were broken up and that he wanted blah, blah.blah . . .”).

5. My personal favorite: Driving in my car after a boyfriend had borrowed it, I noticed on the gear shift a pair of thin, HUGE, hootchie-mama gold hoop earrings. And by huge, I mean the circumference of bangle bracelets, which is what I thought they were until a closer inspection.

So, gentle readers, I invite you to share your stories. Especially people who were screwed over by women (my exes are welcome to contribute, as long as they don’t use my name), as I don’t want to imply that only men are capable of being scummy.

Du’s Top Ten Documentaries

Have you ever wondered what the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker is? What about Rumspringa – do you know what that is? Can you guess which comedian’s version of the old vaudeville classic joke is the raunchiest? Do you know why dozens of people flock to Riverside, Iowa, each year?

That’s the beauty of good documentaries: If you’re not careful, you might learn something before it’s done (to paraphrase Bill Cosby). Docs (as their referred to in the industry) aren’t all dull affairs. They often can be as funny, effecting and dramatic as scripted films “based on a true story.” Probably more so because of the honesty and rawness that comes when you’re dealing with real people.

This week, I offer some that had particular impact on me:

10. TREKKIES (2002)
Directed by Roger Nygard and featuring Denise Crosby (Tasha Yar of Next Generation fame), TREKKIES invites you along to Star Trek conventions, as well as the homes and workplaces of some of the biggest Star Trek fans in the United States. Many of these fans go to work (yes, they hold down jobs), and one lad even brings his costumed cat with him to conventions. Be sure to stick around for the closing credits, which features clips of stand-up comics poking fun at their own fanhood.

9. ROGER & ME (1989)
At a time when the Big Three automakers had more money than they do now, they sent jobs to places like Mexico and left factory cities such as Flint, Michigan resembling ghost towns. Then-unknown Flint native Michael Moore filmed his quest to confront General Motors CEO Roger Smith. It’s almost timelier now as we watch GM implode like a soufflé in the middle of an earthquake. If you’ve avoided ROGER & ME because you

to think, he was the normal one in the Crumb family

disagree with Michael Moore’s progressive – and often times divisive—politics, you’re missing out on a humorous and poignant portrait of what happens to a city when there’s no work for its citizens.

8. DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (2002)
Directed by Brit Lucy Walker, who’s previous work consisted of directing episodes of Blue’s Clues, DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND follows several Amish teens as they leave the nest to try out “English” clothing and a new way of life as part of Rumspringer, a religious rite of passage that basically says baptism should be a choice. How legit is religious faith if it’s not examined? Having said that, I think they’d have a better time if they’d hung out in college towns, playing cards and listening to Weezer while drinking lattes instead of squatting in crappy apartments and smoking meth.

7. SPELLBOUND (2002)
The doc, directed by Stanley Blitz and nominated for an Oscar, follows eight teenagers on their quest to win the national spelling bee. Trust me, you don’t have to like kids or words to get into this film. It is inspirational, uplifting and heartbreaking at the same time.

6. BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (2002)
Hey, it’s that Michael Moore guy again. Say what you will about his baseball cap and Larry King appearances, Moore has defined and mastered the art of docutainment. The clever juxtapositions, editing, and music that makes FAHRENHEIT 9/11 disturbing makes BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE hilarious. Just the visits to Michigan alone are enough for true comedy: the bank that gives a gun away for opening a new account, training with the Michigan Militia, and Moore’s interview with James Nichols – brother of Terry Nichols—a man who has never heard of Ghandi,

Some say James Garner, or McCain, but Dylan is America’s real maverick.

mentions that there are crazy people out there (without irony), and sleeps with a gun under his pillow.

5. HOOP DREAMS (1994)
As a Hollywood studio picture, the story about two inner-city Chicago teens chasing after their basketball dreams would’ve had a happy ending. Instead, this documentary is a bittersweet look at a high school and college system that grinds and spits out these young kids all so that adults can turn a quick buck. Hoosiers this ain’t.

4. CRUMB (1994)
Before this doc, mainstream America’s only exposure to underground cartoonist Robert Crumb’s work was the cover to Big Brother and the Holding Company’s Cheap Thrills album or mudflaps sporting art from his Keep on Truckin’ comic. But after Terry Zwigoff’s penetrating look into the life of this 1960s comix icon, even Crumb’s biggest fans were fascinated by his peculiar and sometimes tragic family. Zwigoff does an excellent job of examining Crumb’s highly sexual and highly controversial art in a social context as well as exposing the backdrop of family illness and dysfunction that forged it.

3. AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (2006)
Directed by Davis Guggenheim – not Al Gore – this documentary is much more than the filming of a slideshow, as I’ve heard it described. The visuals are lovely, experts are chosen over crackpots, and the message is strong: Global warming is real, human behavior is affecting it, and it’s not too late to do something about it.

2. THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS (2007)
I was a skeptic when friends recommended this documentary. Why would I want to watch someone spend a whole lotta time trying to unseat the reigning Donkey Kong champion? Green goddess on a cracker,

Billy Mitchell– Big Douchebag, or the Biggest Douchebag?

was I wrong! This doc by Seth Gordon (the director of FOUR CHRISTMASES starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) follows sweet, unemployed teacher Steve Wiebe as he challenges the Donkey Kong record set by restaurateur, lifelong gamer and general a-hole Billy Mitchell. The drama and good guy vs. villain suspense (with his mullet and mustache, Mitchell truly is the man you love to hate) will appeal to non-gamers and non-geeks.

1. DON’T LOOK BACK (1967)
Directed by D.A. Pennebaker, DON’T LOOK BACK follows Bob Dylan on his 1965 tour. The iconic opening is the prototype for the contemporary music video: Dylan dropping flashcards with key words to Subterranean Homesick Blues. It’s brilliant, and it just gets better from there. Pennebaker’s camera follows Dylan everywhere for the three weeks in England that the musician transitions from acoustic to electric, to the chagrin of fans and peers (like Joan Baez) alike. Reviewers often remark how Dylan comes off petty or vindictive in this doc. But I prefer to consider him the misunderstood kid from the Iron Range, sporting a somewhat silly nom de guerre, ticking off fans on both sides of the Pond just because he wanted to plug in his damn guitar.

DOCS ON DU’S QUEUE
The following films are ones I want to see but haven’t gotten to yet. Any other good documentaries I’m missing?

• Jesus Camp
• Who Killed the Electric Car
• The Thin Blue Line
• The Fog of War
• Capturing the Friedmans
• Martin Scorsese’s rock documentaries: The Last Waltz, No Direction Home and Gimme Shelter
• The War Room

A Facebook Meme, in Blog Form

The instructions are easy: list 25 movies that say something about you, then tag the friends you think are most likely to do it, too. Also, tag the person who sent this to you.

Oh, wait, this isn’t Facebook? And the meme isn’t movies, it’s 25 random things? Oh, well, my column, my rules.

1. FIGHT CLUB (1999)
Shows my complexity—sure, I’m generally a pro-Ikea, anti-violence kinda gal, but something about Brad Pitt and Edward Norton beating the crap out of each other without shirts is, well, fine with me.

2. HAROLD AND MAUDE (1971)
“That’s wonderful, Harold. Go, love some more.”

3. UHF (1989)
Shows my undying love for Al, plus my childlike whimsy. And I adore the commentary—Victoria Jackson cuts the call short because she’s making scalloped potatoes.

4. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007)
The Simpson family are a huge part of my life, and in the movie, Marge swears in anger and we

I wish Bruce’s name was in my secret notebook. Oops. wrong movie.

see Bart’s doodle.

5. THE JERK (1979)
The first time I laid my eyes on Steve, I knew what romantic love was and although I was only 6, I don’t think my understanding has grown all that much more sophisticated in the almost 30 years since.

6. STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)
Did you ever imagine Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, and Queen Latifah in the same film? Me neither, but strangely, it works.

7. OFFICE SPACE (1999)
TPS reports, flair, guarding our cake, working 45 minutes a week. Yeah, it’s touched us all.

8. EDDIE IZZARD’S DRESS TO KILL (1999)
The best of all of Izzard’s standup collections, and has taught me most of what I know about teaching.

9. WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996)
What is a small town without a Dairy Queen? Absolutely nothing.

10. DOG PARK (1998)
“Owen” is the saddest name in the world? I guess it is, but it had never occurred to me until I saw DOG

If you don’t well up when he says “don’t die, Champ,” you have no soul.

PARK.

11. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN (2001)
I’ve been leery of public swimming pools since.

12. SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003)
It’s how I justify to myself my unorthodox teaching practices. I mean, at least I tie the music to the lesson plan.

13. SiCKO (2007)
If my raft made it, I wonder if a kind, generous Cuban surgeon would remove my tonsils?

14. FRENCH KISS (1995)
Makes me feel triumphant!

15. AKEELAH AND THE BEE (2006)
I saw this movie, went home, and subscribed to dictionary.com’s word of the day. If I don’t know it, I try to use it at least once that day. (The word of the day for Saturday, February 14: myopia. The Spanish word of the day: ganar).

16. SHORT CUTS (1993)
If you gotta go fishing, why not use your local fishin’ hole?

17. MARTY (1955)
Seeing this movie taught me not to take my feminism too seriously: Sometimes, we are just plenty of ripe

In 1965, she coulda painted anyone’s wagon.

tomatoes.

18. TORTILLA SOUP (2001)
I have the crazy down pat. Now, if only I had the metabolism to keep up, I’d fit right in with those hermanas locas.

19. SAME TIME NEXT YEAR (1978)
This movie showed me that it’s still possible to have a fulfilling life, even if things don’t work out the way you planned.

20. MAGNOLIA (1999)
The number one reason I still haven’t seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

21. A BRONX TALE (1993)
When I like a guy, I reach over and unlock the driver’s side door. I’m a keeper.

22. THE CHAMP (1979)
In my heart, Ricky Schroeder is still that sad, sweet, tow-headed little boy, and not a Republican.

24. PAN’S LABYRINTH (2006)
Everyone needs a healthy fantasy life.

25. CAT BALLOU (1965)
When I was little, my parents let me watch it whenever it was the Saturday afternoon movie, even though in retrospect, I realize that hearing Jane Fonda’s voice probably made them cringe.

Everything’s Coming Up Steve (Matchflick column about Steve Martin)

Important moments in our lives become imprinted. For example, I remember with distinct clarity where I was when I read those books of profound importance to me. Or in which theatre and with whom I saw the most impactful movies. The stunning Colorado scenery out the window of the family car when my parents argued so harshly I thought I’d soon be asked to choose. (Oh, they’re fine, btw; they just had their 45th anniversary). And every minute detail, every smell, sound and sensation, surrounding the events of what I believe was my first (and, God willing, only) panic attack.

This image may as well be surrounded by amber: I can clearly envision myself lying on the floor, circa 1981: light blue corduroys that match the living room carpet, my adored “Everything boys can do girls can do better” t-shirt (the twerps’ version of the famous “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle” slogan, albeit less true), and a pair of bright orange headphones: I was listening to Steve Martin’s A Wild and Crazy Guy. This was how I spent the hours between school and supper, originally probably because I was defeated by my brother in the television wars, but soon thereafter out of choice. I had the album memorized, but did I get it? Probably not much of it. I’m sure I didn’t discover Steve straightaway. My parents and sibs had a fair bit of vinyl, and I liked Queen, The Smothers Brothers (knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what my parents were doing with a Smothers Brothers album, and I certainly didn’t know Steve worked on the show). There was a Pat Benatar album and I sang “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” as plaintively as I could muster to give Meat Loaf a run for his money. I’m sure we were both convincing.

And as for the big books: Deenie, sitting against my favorite reading tree, front yard, childhood home in Minnesota. Jane Eyre, ditto. And then in high school, and then in college, and then again in grad school, and then again a couple years ago when I taught it to unwilling freshmen. Breakfast of Champions, sprawled on the grass in The Mall, East Bank, University of Minnesota. Shopgirl, third Tallahassee bedroom, the townhouse off the canopy road with the sadistic spider that messed with my mind for weeks, disappearing during my hunts to find a suitable weapon. Why I didn’t just leave a shoe in the bathroom, I’ll never understand.

CAMELOT was my first live, professional production, Ordway Theatre, St. Paul. I think I was around 10. It was a rare, girls-only outing: my mom, my older sister, and me.

The movies:
HAROLD AND MAUDE, my then-boyfriend’s double wide on the property of the rancher he worked for: housing was included with his job

tending to the horses. I was in 11th grade. I eventually ditched the boyfriend, but have clung to HAROLD AND MAUDE.

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS –with my parents! I remember being horrified and more than a little embarrassed.

THE JERK: I’ll be honest: I don’t remember a time before I’d seen THE JERK. But I remember the last time; it was probably a year and a half ago. My boyfriend was sick and trying to sleep with his head on my lap. Whatever we were watching ended, and I realized with dread that I couldn’t get the remote without disturbing him. I thought I’d heard the announcer say something about JOE DIRT. As if by divine intervention, the next film was actually THE JERK, and both of us stayed put for the duration. Joe only woke up once, because I was singing along too boisterously with Steve: “I’m picking out a thermos for you . . .”.

ROXANNE and ALL OF ME: when my brother was in college at the U of M and I was a ‘tweener, we had many outings– Vietnamese food on campus and several PG movies.

And why am I thinking about Steve Martin, a married and ridiculously famous man, while I have a delightful match sleeping just a staircase and a room away? Besides the fact that I always thought Steve would wait for me, he’s on my mind because I cannot sleep and it’s his fault. I put his book Born Standing Up down two hours ago. I know Steve Martin better now than ever before. It’s now 4:26 a.m., central time, and I can’t help but wonder if the universe got it wrong on this one. Why was he born in Waco, Texas, in the forties, while I was born in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, in the seventies? It just does not compute. But to risk sounding like a Pollyanna, I’m just happy with what I do have: his films, his SNL appearances, his albums, and his books.

You’ll love Born Standing Up, and now I’m picking out some movies for you:

THE JERK (1979)
As a child, something clicked with me in Navin’s naiveté, his colorblindness before the term became a cliché. I’m confused on why I don’t remember a time before THE JERK, as I’m sure my parents didn’t take me to see it in the theatre when I was 6. Maybe I remember my brother quoting it until I actually saw it on TV or the VCR. Hmm. Steve mentions in his new book that he was disappointed that during the “Tonight You Belong to Me” scene, moviegoers hit the snack bar. That makes me sad, too, as it’s my third favorite part of the movie.

¡THREE AMIGOS! (1986)
Parody, Chevy Chase, and hijinks! Hilarity ensues!

PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES (1987)
Hilarity ensues again in this John Hughes classic where Steve Martin’s character Neil, an ad exec who just wants to go home to–wait for it–Chicago, for Thanksgiving (is that too much to ask?) finds

himself unable to escape a bumbling shower curtain ring salesman played by John Candy. I particularly enjoy watching Neil try to dry himself off with a small washcloth after a particularly disastrous motel shower.

L.A. STORY (1991)
Of course Steve wrote this movie. From the British accent of “that phony Winston Churchill” and the special beaches just for twirling, this film has more than enough quotable dialogue, which anyone who knows me knows I adore, and features the loveliness of Martin’s own style of magical realism (the freeway sign!). An underrated classic.

LEAP OF FAITH (1992)
Steve Martin’s background in magic makes him particularly believable as faith healer Jonas Nightengale in this, again, underrated drama. The film offers a terrific supporting cast including Debra Winger, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Meat Loaf (and if I could please interrupt myself here to mention how odd I find it that I haven’t thought about Meat Loaf since the last time I caught FIGHT CLUB on cable, yet here he is mentioned twice in one column); together the cast and story analyze the bad idea that is blind faith and the godless trickery of those who exploit it. Along the same lines: The Simpsons episode entitled “Lisa the Skeptic.”

A SIMPLE TWIST OF FATE (1994)
Another thing that Steve and I have in common is our appreciation for George Eliot. The cat in my novel is named Eliot, and I brought Middlemarch for some light reading during my stay at my parents’ for Christmas. Steve wrote A SIMPLE TWIST OF FATE, inspired by George Eliot’s novel, Silas Marner. It may be a little dramatic and predictable, but it’s acted very well, offers a nice mesage, and is not unbearably cute.

NOVOCAINE (2001)
A biting dark comedy, filmed just a hop and a skip from me in charming Cedarburg, Wisconsin. NOVOCAINE is right up there with U TURN as a film that made me feel more and more uncomfortable and nervous as it went on. I wanted it to be over but I couldn’t have left early if I tried. Probably the best movie that I’ll never see again, mainly because of my irrational and unhealthy animosity towards Laura Dern.

SHOPGIRL (2005)
You know when academics and posers automatically chant that “the book was better” whenever a film is adapted from a book? Yeah, I hate that, too, even though it is usually true. It is not true in this case. The film is great, the book is great; they’re just different. I was skeptical at first of the casting of Claire Danes and Jason Schwartzman, but they ended up being lovely. Danes wasn’t the Mirabelle I had created in my mind, but there can be two Mirabelles. There can be infinite Mirabelles, if you think about it. The film doesn’t replace the novel, nor does it try.

Ten Surprisingly Appealing Actors

The other day, someone sent me a link to one of those silly lists (not unlike the kind that I make for this column from time to time). This particular list was the 20 sexiest UGLY celebrities. The people on the list were, in my opinion, definitely ugly (which is why I’m not going to list them here. I’m not that mean), but I didn’t find any of them sexy. This got me thinking, “Hey! I should make a list, but I won’t be so damn harsh about it!”

So here goes: My list of actors who are not traditionally good-looking but have that certain something that makes them sexy. No one on my list is ugly, but if they were non-celebrities in line next to me wearing jeans and a T-shirt at Auntie Anne’s pretzels, I probably wouldn’t give them an extended glance. And I’m guessing that neither would you.

10. Ali Larter
Yes, she’s got some nice hair and a killer bod, but facially, she’s more manly than striking. In fact, if anything is notable about her face, it’s those ginormous teeth. Still, her bad self on Heroes is hot, and when Elle Woods visits her in prison in LEGALLY BLONDE, there is definitely something sexy about Larter in an orange jumpsuit.

Du’s Queue Pick: DRIVE ME CRAZY (1999). Larter plays a disenfranchised youth opposite Adrian Grenier, before he had a group of d-bags following him around.

9. Hank Azaria
I’ve always felt that Hank has a certain cuteness about him. But if the brilliant, hilarious voice work he does for The Simpsons and that six-pack in ALONG CAME POLLY weren’t so well-known, he’d blend right in with the rest of us in line at Target.

Du’s Queue Pick: AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS (2001). My initial gut instinct told me not to see this, as any film starring Julia

Clive Owen- he’s not Colin Firth, but he’ll do.

Roberts in a fatsuit is just not that appealing, but my adoration for Hank Azaria and the adorableness that IS John Cusack won out. Azaria plays Hector Gonzales, the wife-stealing Latin lover who provides much of the com in this better-than-expected rom-com.

8. Penélope Cruz
I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, are you nuts! She is smokin’ hot!”
Sure … for someone who is totally funny-looking. Look closely; she has what I call a push-face. Everything of importance (eyes to mouth) is in a narrow little 2-inch space and everything else is hair, hair, hair. Still, something about her hips and the way she stole VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA makes her very sexy.

Du’s Queue Pick: VOLVER (2006). Cruz is phenomenal in this mystery, and no one writes parts for women (in any language) like Pedro Almodóvar.

7. Clive Owen
Clive was probably a gorgeous toddler. Those sweet, expressive eyes, deeply dimpled cheeks . . . but as an adult, his wide nose, that protruding Reese Witherspoon-esque chin, thicker-than-should-be-legal eyebrows, and exaggerated lip dip are the strangest individual facial features of anyone on this list, but somehow they work together to equal one sexy guy.

Du’s Queue Pick: CHILDREN OF MEN (2006). A science-fiction movie for people who don’t like science-fiction movies but enjoy an engaging look at a not-outlandish bleak future. In CHILDREN OF MEN, Owen needs to save the world’s last pregnant woman.

6. Amy Sedaris
Sedaris does her damndest to play unattractive characters on film and TV. Shoot, when you’re best known for the unattractive and awkward character Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, it’s hard for the general public to know how attractive you really are,

When he’s not Dwight, he’s handsome!

although she doesn’t seem to mind. The people she won over on the Second City stage certainly know. She’s had small roles in many films including ELF and THE SCHOOL OF ROCK. Currently, she is the unfortunately named Ms. Cameltoe in the Wayans’ spoof DANCE FLICK (which I won’t be seeing. Probably).

Du’s Queue Pick: Strangers With Candy Season 2. Purists will tell you to start from the beginning, but I’m kinda partial to Season 2 because it has guest spots by Andy Richter, Janeane Garofalo and Bebe Neuwirth, not to mention the hilarious episode in which Jerri tries to find her lost virginity (it’s on the C drive). And did I mention Stephen Colbert? Did I have to?

5. Rainn Wilson
You might be cringing, dear reader, because Dwight Schrute is such a cantankerous, creepy, creepy character, but do a Google image search, and what you will find is that if the hair isn’t gelled back revealing a huge forehead, he’s not half-bad looking. Then get rid of those weird short-sleeved shirts, replace the glasses with a bit of facial hair, and Rainn Wilson is a tasty, tall drink of water!

Du’s Queue Pick: Six Feet Under Season 3. Wilson is perfect as the odd and quiet Arthur.

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
She’s way too skinny, she looks exactly like her brother except that he got the nice nose, and she has virtually no top lip. Despite all of that, there is something undeniably appealing about the newlywed Gyllenhaal.

Du’s Queue Pick: STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006). Will Ferrell and Gyllenhaal had terric chemistry in this witty, smart, terrific film.

3. Bill Murray
Funny is sexy. And Bill has both down, even as he grows older. He’s always had a receding hairline, he’s got a

Typical, unnoticable Emily Blunt.

button nose that really only belongs on someone playing Dakota Fanning’s best friend, and he’s also got a bit of the Penélope Cruz push-face thing going, but damn! There is something absolutely sexy about him.

Du’s Queue Pick: BROKEN FLOWERS (2005). My favorite of the three Jim Jarmusch films I’ve seen, and one of my favorite roles of Murray’s. I’m guessing it’s the best Bill Murray movie you’ve never seen. Murray plays Don, a committed bachelor who tracks down his exes to try to solve some personal mysteries. Interestingly, one of his exes is played by Frances Conroy from Six Feet Under.

2. Emily Blunt
If you know who Emily Blunt is at all, it’s probably as Emily, Miranda’s “number one” in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. She doesn’t tend to stand out, as she either looks like a sullen teenager or ridiculously plain, especially next to Anne Hathaway. But a closer look reveals lovely, full lips and a set of some amazing breasts.

Du’s Queue Pick: SUNSHINE CLEANERS (2008). Blunt plays Norah, the unreliable sister of a desperate entrepreneur played by Amy Adams. Her part in SUNSHINE CLEANERS is a quiet one, with a few zingers and harsh lines, but her performance in this heartfelt comedy is as impressive as her American accent.

1. Humphrey Bogart
Bogart was an ugly man. At 5′ 8″, he was not nearly tall enough to be a traditional leading man. He was bald, had a horse face, and when I look at him, I swear I can smell cigarettes. Yet, his voice and stage presence made the camera love him.

Du’s Queue Pick:THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951). Bogart takes on Katharine Hepburn, swarms of bugs, and leeches in this movie that has it all — adventure, Germans, romance and two of the 20th century’s best actors.