Screw You!

Today, a tweet by Mindy Kaling got my attention. The tweet read “If a girl ever leaves jewelry or an item of clothing at your house after she spends the night, it is never, ever, ever an accident.” I know that she’s right, and I’m now inspired to write about the top ways I’ve found out I was being cheated on. You’ll see why at #5. So here they are in no particular order:

1. In the car with a mutual friend, singing along with “Always the Last to Know”  by the band Del Amitri, the friend says “Yep, you’re always the last to know.” When pressed, the friend verified that yes, he was telling me that my BF was seeing someone else, but he wouldn’t say who. I asked the BF, who gave it away quite easily.

2. An acquaintence overheard me lamenting to a friend that things weren’t going well with the BF, and she piped up with the information “He’s with Sasha now. I thought you knew that.” (Yes, same guy as #1. I don’t learn quickly).

3. During a hug with a BF, I could feel scabs through his shirt. So I walked around to his back, lifted up his shirt, and saw ginormous scratches. (Not the same guy as 1 & 2). I asked who did it, and he told me. I had to see her every day (in the same Love & Rockets t-shirt pretty much every day) in Spanish class.

4. I had a hunch that another girl wasn’t ”just a friend,” so I asked her best friend if anything was going on between the two of them. She said no, but I could tell she was lying. So then I pushed it: I told her that I had gotten a sexually transmitted disease from the guy (total lie), and that she should tell her friend if there was even a remote chance so she could be treated. Well, that did it. She crumbled like a stale cookie. (It went something like this: Oh, poor “____”. She really believed him too that you two were broken up and that he wanted blah, blah.blah . . .”).

5. My personal favorite: Driving in my car after a boyfriend had borrowed it, I noticed on the gear shift a pair of thin, HUGE, hootchie-mama gold hoop earrings. And by huge, I mean the circumference of bangle bracelets, which is what I thought they were until a closer inspection.

So, gentle readers, I invite you to share your stories. Especially people who were screwed over by women (my exes are welcome to contribute, as long as they don’t use my name), as I don’t want to imply that only men are capable of being scummy.

Du’s Top Ten Documentaries

Have you ever wondered what the difference between a Trekkie and a Trekker is? What about Rumspringa – do you know what that is? Can you guess which comedian’s version of the old vaudeville classic joke is the raunchiest? Do you know why dozens of people flock to Riverside, Iowa, each year?

That’s the beauty of good documentaries: If you’re not careful, you might learn something before it’s done (to paraphrase Bill Cosby). Docs (as their referred to in the industry) aren’t all dull affairs. They often can be as funny, effecting and dramatic as scripted films “based on a true story.” Probably more so because of the honesty and rawness that comes when you’re dealing with real people.

This week, I offer some that had particular impact on me:

10. TREKKIES (2002)
Directed by Roger Nygard and featuring Denise Crosby (Tasha Yar of Next Generation fame), TREKKIES invites you along to Star Trek conventions, as well as the homes and workplaces of some of the biggest Star Trek fans in the United States. Many of these fans go to work (yes, they hold down jobs), and one lad even brings his costumed cat with him to conventions. Be sure to stick around for the closing credits, which features clips of stand-up comics poking fun at their own fanhood.

9. ROGER & ME (1989)
At a time when the Big Three automakers had more money than they do now, they sent jobs to places like Mexico and left factory cities such as Flint, Michigan resembling ghost towns. Then-unknown Flint native Michael Moore filmed his quest to confront General Motors CEO Roger Smith. It’s almost timelier now as we watch GM implode like a soufflé in the middle of an earthquake. If you’ve avoided ROGER & ME because you

to think, he was the normal one in the Crumb family

disagree with Michael Moore’s progressive – and often times divisive—politics, you’re missing out on a humorous and poignant portrait of what happens to a city when there’s no work for its citizens.

8. DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (2002)
Directed by Brit Lucy Walker, who’s previous work consisted of directing episodes of Blue’s Clues, DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND follows several Amish teens as they leave the nest to try out “English” clothing and a new way of life as part of Rumspringer, a religious rite of passage that basically says baptism should be a choice. How legit is religious faith if it’s not examined? Having said that, I think they’d have a better time if they’d hung out in college towns, playing cards and listening to Weezer while drinking lattes instead of squatting in crappy apartments and smoking meth.

7. SPELLBOUND (2002)
The doc, directed by Stanley Blitz and nominated for an Oscar, follows eight teenagers on their quest to win the national spelling bee. Trust me, you don’t have to like kids or words to get into this film. It is inspirational, uplifting and heartbreaking at the same time.

6. BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (2002)
Hey, it’s that Michael Moore guy again. Say what you will about his baseball cap and Larry King appearances, Moore has defined and mastered the art of docutainment. The clever juxtapositions, editing, and music that makes FAHRENHEIT 9/11 disturbing makes BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE hilarious. Just the visits to Michigan alone are enough for true comedy: the bank that gives a gun away for opening a new account, training with the Michigan Militia, and Moore’s interview with James Nichols – brother of Terry Nichols—a man who has never heard of Ghandi,

Some say James Garner, or McCain, but Dylan is America’s real maverick.

mentions that there are crazy people out there (without irony), and sleeps with a gun under his pillow.

5. HOOP DREAMS (1994)
As a Hollywood studio picture, the story about two inner-city Chicago teens chasing after their basketball dreams would’ve had a happy ending. Instead, this documentary is a bittersweet look at a high school and college system that grinds and spits out these young kids all so that adults can turn a quick buck. Hoosiers this ain’t.

4. CRUMB (1994)
Before this doc, mainstream America’s only exposure to underground cartoonist Robert Crumb’s work was the cover to Big Brother and the Holding Company’s Cheap Thrills album or mudflaps sporting art from his Keep on Truckin’ comic. But after Terry Zwigoff’s penetrating look into the life of this 1960s comix icon, even Crumb’s biggest fans were fascinated by his peculiar and sometimes tragic family. Zwigoff does an excellent job of examining Crumb’s highly sexual and highly controversial art in a social context as well as exposing the backdrop of family illness and dysfunction that forged it.

3. AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (2006)
Directed by Davis Guggenheim – not Al Gore – this documentary is much more than the filming of a slideshow, as I’ve heard it described. The visuals are lovely, experts are chosen over crackpots, and the message is strong: Global warming is real, human behavior is affecting it, and it’s not too late to do something about it.

2. THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS (2007)
I was a skeptic when friends recommended this documentary. Why would I want to watch someone spend a whole lotta time trying to unseat the reigning Donkey Kong champion? Green goddess on a cracker,

Billy Mitchell– Big Douchebag, or the Biggest Douchebag?

was I wrong! This doc by Seth Gordon (the director of FOUR CHRISTMASES starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) follows sweet, unemployed teacher Steve Wiebe as he challenges the Donkey Kong record set by restaurateur, lifelong gamer and general a-hole Billy Mitchell. The drama and good guy vs. villain suspense (with his mullet and mustache, Mitchell truly is the man you love to hate) will appeal to non-gamers and non-geeks.

1. DON’T LOOK BACK (1967)
Directed by D.A. Pennebaker, DON’T LOOK BACK follows Bob Dylan on his 1965 tour. The iconic opening is the prototype for the contemporary music video: Dylan dropping flashcards with key words to Subterranean Homesick Blues. It’s brilliant, and it just gets better from there. Pennebaker’s camera follows Dylan everywhere for the three weeks in England that the musician transitions from acoustic to electric, to the chagrin of fans and peers (like Joan Baez) alike. Reviewers often remark how Dylan comes off petty or vindictive in this doc. But I prefer to consider him the misunderstood kid from the Iron Range, sporting a somewhat silly nom de guerre, ticking off fans on both sides of the Pond just because he wanted to plug in his damn guitar.

DOCS ON DU’S QUEUE
The following films are ones I want to see but haven’t gotten to yet. Any other good documentaries I’m missing?

• Jesus Camp
• Who Killed the Electric Car
• The Thin Blue Line
• The Fog of War
• Capturing the Friedmans
• Martin Scorsese’s rock documentaries: The Last Waltz, No Direction Home and Gimme Shelter
• The War Room

A Facebook Meme, in Blog Form

The instructions are easy: list 25 movies that say something about you, then tag the friends you think are most likely to do it, too. Also, tag the person who sent this to you.

Oh, wait, this isn’t Facebook? And the meme isn’t movies, it’s 25 random things? Oh, well, my column, my rules.

1. FIGHT CLUB (1999)
Shows my complexity—sure, I’m generally a pro-Ikea, anti-violence kinda gal, but something about Brad Pitt and Edward Norton beating the crap out of each other without shirts is, well, fine with me.

2. HAROLD AND MAUDE (1971)
“That’s wonderful, Harold. Go, love some more.”

3. UHF (1989)
Shows my undying love for Al, plus my childlike whimsy. And I adore the commentary—Victoria Jackson cuts the call short because she’s making scalloped potatoes.

4. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007)
The Simpson family are a huge part of my life, and in the movie, Marge swears in anger and we

I wish Bruce’s name was in my secret notebook. Oops. wrong movie.

see Bart’s doodle.

5. THE JERK (1979)
The first time I laid my eyes on Steve, I knew what romantic love was and although I was only 6, I don’t think my understanding has grown all that much more sophisticated in the almost 30 years since.

6. STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)
Did you ever imagine Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, and Queen Latifah in the same film? Me neither, but strangely, it works.

7. OFFICE SPACE (1999)
TPS reports, flair, guarding our cake, working 45 minutes a week. Yeah, it’s touched us all.

8. EDDIE IZZARD’S DRESS TO KILL (1999)
The best of all of Izzard’s standup collections, and has taught me most of what I know about teaching.

9. WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996)
What is a small town without a Dairy Queen? Absolutely nothing.

10. DOG PARK (1998)
“Owen” is the saddest name in the world? I guess it is, but it had never occurred to me until I saw DOG

If you don’t well up when he says “don’t die, Champ,” you have no soul.

PARK.

11. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN (2001)
I’ve been leery of public swimming pools since.

12. SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003)
It’s how I justify to myself my unorthodox teaching practices. I mean, at least I tie the music to the lesson plan.

13. SiCKO (2007)
If my raft made it, I wonder if a kind, generous Cuban surgeon would remove my tonsils?

14. FRENCH KISS (1995)
Makes me feel triumphant!

15. AKEELAH AND THE BEE (2006)
I saw this movie, went home, and subscribed to dictionary.com’s word of the day. If I don’t know it, I try to use it at least once that day. (The word of the day for Saturday, February 14: myopia. The Spanish word of the day: ganar).

16. SHORT CUTS (1993)
If you gotta go fishing, why not use your local fishin’ hole?

17. MARTY (1955)
Seeing this movie taught me not to take my feminism too seriously: Sometimes, we are just plenty of ripe

In 1965, she coulda painted anyone’s wagon.

tomatoes.

18. TORTILLA SOUP (2001)
I have the crazy down pat. Now, if only I had the metabolism to keep up, I’d fit right in with those hermanas locas.

19. SAME TIME NEXT YEAR (1978)
This movie showed me that it’s still possible to have a fulfilling life, even if things don’t work out the way you planned.

20. MAGNOLIA (1999)
The number one reason I still haven’t seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

21. A BRONX TALE (1993)
When I like a guy, I reach over and unlock the driver’s side door. I’m a keeper.

22. THE CHAMP (1979)
In my heart, Ricky Schroeder is still that sad, sweet, tow-headed little boy, and not a Republican.

24. PAN’S LABYRINTH (2006)
Everyone needs a healthy fantasy life.

25. CAT BALLOU (1965)
When I was little, my parents let me watch it whenever it was the Saturday afternoon movie, even though in retrospect, I realize that hearing Jane Fonda’s voice probably made them cringe.

Everything’s Coming Up Steve (Matchflick column about Steve Martin)

Important moments in our lives become imprinted. For example, I remember with distinct clarity where I was when I read those books of profound importance to me. Or in which theatre and with whom I saw the most impactful movies. The stunning Colorado scenery out the window of the family car when my parents argued so harshly I thought I’d soon be asked to choose. (Oh, they’re fine, btw; they just had their 45th anniversary). And every minute detail, every smell, sound and sensation, surrounding the events of what I believe was my first (and, God willing, only) panic attack.

This image may as well be surrounded by amber: I can clearly envision myself lying on the floor, circa 1981: light blue corduroys that match the living room carpet, my adored “Everything boys can do girls can do better” t-shirt (the twerps’ version of the famous “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle” slogan, albeit less true), and a pair of bright orange headphones: I was listening to Steve Martin’s A Wild and Crazy Guy. This was how I spent the hours between school and supper, originally probably because I was defeated by my brother in the television wars, but soon thereafter out of choice. I had the album memorized, but did I get it? Probably not much of it. I’m sure I didn’t discover Steve straightaway. My parents and sibs had a fair bit of vinyl, and I liked Queen, The Smothers Brothers (knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what my parents were doing with a Smothers Brothers album, and I certainly didn’t know Steve worked on the show). There was a Pat Benatar album and I sang “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” as plaintively as I could muster to give Meat Loaf a run for his money. I’m sure we were both convincing.

And as for the big books: Deenie, sitting against my favorite reading tree, front yard, childhood home in Minnesota. Jane Eyre, ditto. And then in high school, and then in college, and then again in grad school, and then again a couple years ago when I taught it to unwilling freshmen. Breakfast of Champions, sprawled on the grass in The Mall, East Bank, University of Minnesota. Shopgirl, third Tallahassee bedroom, the townhouse off the canopy road with the sadistic spider that messed with my mind for weeks, disappearing during my hunts to find a suitable weapon. Why I didn’t just leave a shoe in the bathroom, I’ll never understand.

CAMELOT was my first live, professional production, Ordway Theatre, St. Paul. I think I was around 10. It was a rare, girls-only outing: my mom, my older sister, and me.

The movies:
HAROLD AND MAUDE, my then-boyfriend’s double wide on the property of the rancher he worked for: housing was included with his job

tending to the horses. I was in 11th grade. I eventually ditched the boyfriend, but have clung to HAROLD AND MAUDE.

HANNAH AND HER SISTERS –with my parents! I remember being horrified and more than a little embarrassed.

THE JERK: I’ll be honest: I don’t remember a time before I’d seen THE JERK. But I remember the last time; it was probably a year and a half ago. My boyfriend was sick and trying to sleep with his head on my lap. Whatever we were watching ended, and I realized with dread that I couldn’t get the remote without disturbing him. I thought I’d heard the announcer say something about JOE DIRT. As if by divine intervention, the next film was actually THE JERK, and both of us stayed put for the duration. Joe only woke up once, because I was singing along too boisterously with Steve: “I’m picking out a thermos for you . . .”.

ROXANNE and ALL OF ME: when my brother was in college at the U of M and I was a ‘tweener, we had many outings– Vietnamese food on campus and several PG movies.

And why am I thinking about Steve Martin, a married and ridiculously famous man, while I have a delightful match sleeping just a staircase and a room away? Besides the fact that I always thought Steve would wait for me, he’s on my mind because I cannot sleep and it’s his fault. I put his book Born Standing Up down two hours ago. I know Steve Martin better now than ever before. It’s now 4:26 a.m., central time, and I can’t help but wonder if the universe got it wrong on this one. Why was he born in Waco, Texas, in the forties, while I was born in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, in the seventies? It just does not compute. But to risk sounding like a Pollyanna, I’m just happy with what I do have: his films, his SNL appearances, his albums, and his books.

You’ll love Born Standing Up, and now I’m picking out some movies for you:

THE JERK (1979)
As a child, something clicked with me in Navin’s naiveté, his colorblindness before the term became a cliché. I’m confused on why I don’t remember a time before THE JERK, as I’m sure my parents didn’t take me to see it in the theatre when I was 6. Maybe I remember my brother quoting it until I actually saw it on TV or the VCR. Hmm. Steve mentions in his new book that he was disappointed that during the “Tonight You Belong to Me” scene, moviegoers hit the snack bar. That makes me sad, too, as it’s my third favorite part of the movie.

¡THREE AMIGOS! (1986)
Parody, Chevy Chase, and hijinks! Hilarity ensues!

PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES (1987)
Hilarity ensues again in this John Hughes classic where Steve Martin’s character Neil, an ad exec who just wants to go home to–wait for it–Chicago, for Thanksgiving (is that too much to ask?) finds

himself unable to escape a bumbling shower curtain ring salesman played by John Candy. I particularly enjoy watching Neil try to dry himself off with a small washcloth after a particularly disastrous motel shower.

L.A. STORY (1991)
Of course Steve wrote this movie. From the British accent of “that phony Winston Churchill” and the special beaches just for twirling, this film has more than enough quotable dialogue, which anyone who knows me knows I adore, and features the loveliness of Martin’s own style of magical realism (the freeway sign!). An underrated classic.

LEAP OF FAITH (1992)
Steve Martin’s background in magic makes him particularly believable as faith healer Jonas Nightengale in this, again, underrated drama. The film offers a terrific supporting cast including Debra Winger, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Meat Loaf (and if I could please interrupt myself here to mention how odd I find it that I haven’t thought about Meat Loaf since the last time I caught FIGHT CLUB on cable, yet here he is mentioned twice in one column); together the cast and story analyze the bad idea that is blind faith and the godless trickery of those who exploit it. Along the same lines: The Simpsons episode entitled “Lisa the Skeptic.”

A SIMPLE TWIST OF FATE (1994)
Another thing that Steve and I have in common is our appreciation for George Eliot. The cat in my novel is named Eliot, and I brought Middlemarch for some light reading during my stay at my parents’ for Christmas. Steve wrote A SIMPLE TWIST OF FATE, inspired by George Eliot’s novel, Silas Marner. It may be a little dramatic and predictable, but it’s acted very well, offers a nice mesage, and is not unbearably cute.

NOVOCAINE (2001)
A biting dark comedy, filmed just a hop and a skip from me in charming Cedarburg, Wisconsin. NOVOCAINE is right up there with U TURN as a film that made me feel more and more uncomfortable and nervous as it went on. I wanted it to be over but I couldn’t have left early if I tried. Probably the best movie that I’ll never see again, mainly because of my irrational and unhealthy animosity towards Laura Dern.

SHOPGIRL (2005)
You know when academics and posers automatically chant that “the book was better” whenever a film is adapted from a book? Yeah, I hate that, too, even though it is usually true. It is not true in this case. The film is great, the book is great; they’re just different. I was skeptical at first of the casting of Claire Danes and Jason Schwartzman, but they ended up being lovely. Danes wasn’t the Mirabelle I had created in my mind, but there can be two Mirabelles. There can be infinite Mirabelles, if you think about it. The film doesn’t replace the novel, nor does it try.

Ten Surprisingly Appealing Actors

The other day, someone sent me a link to one of those silly lists (not unlike the kind that I make for this column from time to time). This particular list was the 20 sexiest UGLY celebrities. The people on the list were, in my opinion, definitely ugly (which is why I’m not going to list them here. I’m not that mean), but I didn’t find any of them sexy. This got me thinking, “Hey! I should make a list, but I won’t be so damn harsh about it!”

So here goes: My list of actors who are not traditionally good-looking but have that certain something that makes them sexy. No one on my list is ugly, but if they were non-celebrities in line next to me wearing jeans and a T-shirt at Auntie Anne’s pretzels, I probably wouldn’t give them an extended glance. And I’m guessing that neither would you.

10. Ali Larter
Yes, she’s got some nice hair and a killer bod, but facially, she’s more manly than striking. In fact, if anything is notable about her face, it’s those ginormous teeth. Still, her bad self on Heroes is hot, and when Elle Woods visits her in prison in LEGALLY BLONDE, there is definitely something sexy about Larter in an orange jumpsuit.

Du’s Queue Pick: DRIVE ME CRAZY (1999). Larter plays a disenfranchised youth opposite Adrian Grenier, before he had a group of d-bags following him around.

9. Hank Azaria
I’ve always felt that Hank has a certain cuteness about him. But if the brilliant, hilarious voice work he does for The Simpsons and that six-pack in ALONG CAME POLLY weren’t so well-known, he’d blend right in with the rest of us in line at Target.

Du’s Queue Pick: AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS (2001). My initial gut instinct told me not to see this, as any film starring Julia

Clive Owen- he’s not Colin Firth, but he’ll do.

Roberts in a fatsuit is just not that appealing, but my adoration for Hank Azaria and the adorableness that IS John Cusack won out. Azaria plays Hector Gonzales, the wife-stealing Latin lover who provides much of the com in this better-than-expected rom-com.

8. Penélope Cruz
I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, are you nuts! She is smokin’ hot!”
Sure … for someone who is totally funny-looking. Look closely; she has what I call a push-face. Everything of importance (eyes to mouth) is in a narrow little 2-inch space and everything else is hair, hair, hair. Still, something about her hips and the way she stole VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA makes her very sexy.

Du’s Queue Pick: VOLVER (2006). Cruz is phenomenal in this mystery, and no one writes parts for women (in any language) like Pedro Almodóvar.

7. Clive Owen
Clive was probably a gorgeous toddler. Those sweet, expressive eyes, deeply dimpled cheeks . . . but as an adult, his wide nose, that protruding Reese Witherspoon-esque chin, thicker-than-should-be-legal eyebrows, and exaggerated lip dip are the strangest individual facial features of anyone on this list, but somehow they work together to equal one sexy guy.

Du’s Queue Pick: CHILDREN OF MEN (2006). A science-fiction movie for people who don’t like science-fiction movies but enjoy an engaging look at a not-outlandish bleak future. In CHILDREN OF MEN, Owen needs to save the world’s last pregnant woman.

6. Amy Sedaris
Sedaris does her damndest to play unattractive characters on film and TV. Shoot, when you’re best known for the unattractive and awkward character Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, it’s hard for the general public to know how attractive you really are,

When he’s not Dwight, he’s handsome!

although she doesn’t seem to mind. The people she won over on the Second City stage certainly know. She’s had small roles in many films including ELF and THE SCHOOL OF ROCK. Currently, she is the unfortunately named Ms. Cameltoe in the Wayans’ spoof DANCE FLICK (which I won’t be seeing. Probably).

Du’s Queue Pick: Strangers With Candy Season 2. Purists will tell you to start from the beginning, but I’m kinda partial to Season 2 because it has guest spots by Andy Richter, Janeane Garofalo and Bebe Neuwirth, not to mention the hilarious episode in which Jerri tries to find her lost virginity (it’s on the C drive). And did I mention Stephen Colbert? Did I have to?

5. Rainn Wilson
You might be cringing, dear reader, because Dwight Schrute is such a cantankerous, creepy, creepy character, but do a Google image search, and what you will find is that if the hair isn’t gelled back revealing a huge forehead, he’s not half-bad looking. Then get rid of those weird short-sleeved shirts, replace the glasses with a bit of facial hair, and Rainn Wilson is a tasty, tall drink of water!

Du’s Queue Pick: Six Feet Under Season 3. Wilson is perfect as the odd and quiet Arthur.

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
She’s way too skinny, she looks exactly like her brother except that he got the nice nose, and she has virtually no top lip. Despite all of that, there is something undeniably appealing about the newlywed Gyllenhaal.

Du’s Queue Pick: STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006). Will Ferrell and Gyllenhaal had terric chemistry in this witty, smart, terrific film.

3. Bill Murray
Funny is sexy. And Bill has both down, even as he grows older. He’s always had a receding hairline, he’s got a

Typical, unnoticable Emily Blunt.

button nose that really only belongs on someone playing Dakota Fanning’s best friend, and he’s also got a bit of the Penélope Cruz push-face thing going, but damn! There is something absolutely sexy about him.

Du’s Queue Pick: BROKEN FLOWERS (2005). My favorite of the three Jim Jarmusch films I’ve seen, and one of my favorite roles of Murray’s. I’m guessing it’s the best Bill Murray movie you’ve never seen. Murray plays Don, a committed bachelor who tracks down his exes to try to solve some personal mysteries. Interestingly, one of his exes is played by Frances Conroy from Six Feet Under.

2. Emily Blunt
If you know who Emily Blunt is at all, it’s probably as Emily, Miranda’s “number one” in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. She doesn’t tend to stand out, as she either looks like a sullen teenager or ridiculously plain, especially next to Anne Hathaway. But a closer look reveals lovely, full lips and a set of some amazing breasts.

Du’s Queue Pick: SUNSHINE CLEANERS (2008). Blunt plays Norah, the unreliable sister of a desperate entrepreneur played by Amy Adams. Her part in SUNSHINE CLEANERS is a quiet one, with a few zingers and harsh lines, but her performance in this heartfelt comedy is as impressive as her American accent.

1. Humphrey Bogart
Bogart was an ugly man. At 5′ 8″, he was not nearly tall enough to be a traditional leading man. He was bald, had a horse face, and when I look at him, I swear I can smell cigarettes. Yet, his voice and stage presence made the camera love him.

Du’s Queue Pick:THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951). Bogart takes on Katharine Hepburn, swarms of bugs, and leeches in this movie that has it all — adventure, Germans, romance and two of the 20th century’s best actors.

Comedy: It’s a Dick Thing

When I was younger, I noticed that movies frequently featured full female nudity but not so much of men. Sure, we might have seen the occasional butt cheek and of course, bare chests, but you can see a man’s bare chest by looking out the window and seeing the neighbor mow the lawn (yikes). I asked someone why this was. Although I have no idea who supplied the answer (parent? teacher? priest?) I do remember the answer. It had something to do with the reproductive organs being on the outside on men, but with women they are safely housed inside the body, so breasts and some pubic hair were no biggie, but a penis is on the outside. For some reason, I bought that lame-ass excuse.

Until I saw ABOUT LAST NIGHT. I watched it so many times that I became intimately familiar with Demi Moore’s breasts (of course, they look nothing like that now). Remember that scene where she’s in the kitchen and the light is coming through the window? Out of curiosity and fairness, I wanted to see Rob Lowe’s penis, sure, but I realized that the reason I wouldn’t was because the curves of Demi’s hips were way sexier than any silly old penis could possibly be. Then it clicked. Naked women are way sexier than naked men! (Of

After five years, it’s really not so odd to converse like so.

course, this is no secret to anyone who’s ever seen naked people). This is clearly not new information, and I don’t mean to get all feminist on ya’ll, but it was an epiphany for me. Yep, I thought, just another way that women are objectified.

But there is good news! The Penis has made a resurgence in films. Used to be, the only penis we’d see in a movie was attached to Harvey Keitel, but lately, you can’t hardly flip on HBO without seeing a penis. And friends who have seen Todd Phillips’s new film THE HANGOVER have said there is an abundance of penis sightings. While I’m happy with this relatively new equality in nudity, the fact is that the penis is generally used for comedy (with exceptions, of course, like Peter Sarsgaard in KINSEY).

Perhaps the rules about flaccidity contribute, and create at least a partial need to use the penis in a humorous context instead of sexual.

Many recent penises in films were intended to be funny. Examples:

Jason Segel’s penis in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

For comedies, a tricky task is to keep the gravitas in an emotion-filled scene while simultaneously not driving the guys out to the concession stand. The ironic thing is director Nicholas

it’s funny cuz it’s true

Stoller kept all the guys glued to the screen with the cunning use of Jason Segel’s penis. He is nude when he finds out that he is not only being dumped but that his girlfriend of five years has been cheating on him. His nudity shows his vulnerability and gives Kristen Bell’s funny a chance to shine when she delivers the perfectly timed line “Do you want to put some clothes on?”

Picture of a penis on a giant screen in Will Ferrell’s YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA – A Final Night with George W. Bush

I’m not sure what to say about this. I could try to defend a thesis regarding the political message Ferrell was making with plastering a picture of a penis on a screen while in his George W. Bush persona, but I’ll just say it was a funny bit that used the element of surprise and leave it at that. (BORAT and SCARY MOVIE also used photographs of penises, btw.)

So as you can see, the penis is in no short supply, In fact, I vaguely remember penises in WALK HARD and SIDEWAYS, and have heard that there’s a penis in HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY. And on my queue, a film that I’ve heard is a delightful romp, PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS (2001).

So, dear readers, what are your thoughts about the penis

in film? And what are your suggestions for films that show the penis in a positive light?

What Else is our Favorite Family Up To? (Matchflick column RE: Simpsons talent)

 

 

 

Spare him your euphemisms! 

 In my last column, I had the opportunity to talk about the sexy and talented Hank Azaria and his work outside of The Simpsons, which got me to thinking about the other amazing artists involved with The Simpsons but whose careers are not limited to the show. It’s hard to imagine these brilliant artists have the time and energy to do more than create our favorite show about our favorite family, but indeed they do!

For example, the people who supply some of our favorite voices have no shortage of work, such as Russi Taylor and Tress MacNeille, who work together also on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Taylor provides the voice of one of my faves, Martin Prince, and as well as Sherri & Terri, among others. MacNeille also supplies many character voices; among my faves are Jimbo, Brandine, and Agnes Skinner (quite the range, eh?)

Yeardley Smith is best known for being the voice of Lisa Simpson, but she also starred in the ever-cherished Herman’s Head, played the only likeable character in AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997), and was Putter in THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985). And sisters, if you have not seen BILLIE JEAN, do yourself a favor and put it on your queue! It’s even more feminist, provocative, and energizing now than it was back when I was a tweener, when “Fair

 

He looks sweet and mild, but don’t tick him off.

is fair” struck me as more than just an illogical catchphrase and “Invincible” by Pat Benatar was an inspiring anthem.

Harry Shearer is the voice behind many of the funniest and/or most beloved Simpsons characters, such as Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Burns, Smithers, Otto, Reverend Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, Lenny, and, of course, Scratchy (among many, many others). But with his versatile voice and terrific singing ability, Shearer has appeared in oodles of films, including his role as G. Gordon Liddy in DICK (1999) and perhaps most famously as Derek Smalls in THIS IS SPINAL TAP (1984). He also shows off those pipes in A MIGHTY WIND (2003), which might be the most underrated of the Guest, et al films.

David Silverman has been with the The Simpsons since its birth on The Tracey Ullman Show as animator, producer, creative consultant (whatever that is) and director – in addition to directing many episodes of the show, Silverman brilliantly directed THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007). In 2005, he got in front of the camera to teach a drawing lesson (watch “Goo Goo Gai Pan” on Hulu or wherever if you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’ll thank me).

Silverman has also worked for Pixar and DreamWorks – he co-directed THE ROAD TO EL DORADO and the sassy MONSTERS,

 

I really liked her on Dharma and Greg, too.

INC. with UP and WALL-E’s Pete Docter (a fellow Minnesotan, I might add) and was storyboard artist on ROBOTS.

Clearly, Silverman’s career of the last 20 years or so is impressive, sure, but perhaps the most intriguing thing you’ll find on Silverman’s IMDb page is the head animator credit (albeit spelled incorrectly) for the short TOM WAITS FOR NO ONE. In the 1990s, other Tom Waits fans and I spoke in hushed, revered tones of this film, not knowing whether to believe those who claimed to have seen it, but being jealous of them all the same just in case it could be true. If only we’d had YouTube, like the spoiled college kids of today:
According to Variety, Silverman is slated to direct a live-action film for MGM, an adaptation of the children’s book The Facttracker. Also on his schedule, IMDb reports Silverman will be directing a Disney film called THE PET,

 

Drawin’ Krusty. Just another day at the office.

in which a group of aliens make a human their pet. Let’s just hope he’s not a businessman, which is a big responsibility. (Inside Kids in the Hall reference, which I hope you get).

If you’re not already following Silverman on Twitter*, do so now (tubatron). He’s funny, announces his groups’ appearances around LA (They are called Vaud and the Villains– hint: his handle is “tubatron” for a reason!) and likes to share the occasional photo (like the one I borrowed above). And maybe eventually he’ll share some 140-character anecdotes about his upcoming films with his followers as he sees fit (hint hint).

*If you’re not already following me on Twitter, what’s wrong with you? You can follow me (duve) and/or the awesome duo of Dr. Karma and me (Simpsonology).

Happy Father’s day, fathers!
xoxo,
Du

 

America – Great Places, Great Films (Fourth of July Matchflick column)

The iconic bridge vista in MANHATTAN

Sure, things aren’t ideal across our great land. For example, as of this week I’m out of a job, like many other hardworking, brilliant Americans, but there are many reasons to feel patriotic this year. Our country has an amazing person in the White House, Serena brought another championship home,* Sarah Palin is quitting her job before it quits her.

Overall, it’s a Happy Independence weekend! I have decided to honor America by showcasing some great American films that are named for some of our amazing places.

Many made the brainstorming list—SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE and PHILADELPHIA, for example, but I wanted choices that everyone hasn’t already seen. I jotted down KANSAS and MILWAUKEE, MINNESOTA, but figured I’d do better writing about films that I have seen. I thought of FEELING MINNESOTA, but I like you, dear readers, and no one should see that trainwreck. Hence, here is my celebration of the diversity of this land and its artful filmmaking, every one of them named for a place in one of our glorious 50 states, and each one a film I would be happy to recommend.

NIAGARA (1953)
Neglected by critics and audiences, NIAGARA is a fabulous movie! Set in Niagara Falls (as you may have guessed), this thriller stars Marilyn Monroe as Rose Loomis, who is visiting the Falls with her husband George, an unhinged WWII vet (Joseph Cotten). Rose has taken a young lover, and together they plan to use this trip to off George. NIAGARA may be Monroe’s first seriously dramatic role, and she pulls it off handsomely. The

Marilyn in that red dress

famous “walking scenes” and the essence of her in that red dress work together, under the strong direction of Arthur Hathaway, to explain why otherwise good and moral men can be persuaded to do something bad, even murder.

MANHATTAN (1979)
This terrific rom-com might be my favorite of Woody Allen’s films. Visually, it’s stunning; filmed in black and white with many memorable views of the city, and it introduced audiences to Mariel Hemingway, who received an Oscar nomination and was only 16 during the filming. As Tracy, she captures the audience’s hearts and her acting is so strong that she convinces us that a lovely, mentally healthy teenager would willingly date a neurotic 42-year-old writer who looks surprisingly like Woody Allen.

HAPPY, TEXAS (1999)
While there is actually a town in Texas called Happy, this movie was not filmed there. I forgive it for two reasons: it wasn’t filmed in, say Calgary, and it is so frakkin’ hilarious. Picture this scenario: Two straight escaped convicts arrive in a town with hopeful expectations that a gay duo they are waiting for will organize their silly little beauty pageant. The two (played by Steve Zahn and Jeremy Northam) serendipitously pose as this gay couple, but not everyone is so trusting: the town sheriff (William H. Macy) is a skeptical closeted homosexual attracted to one of the tricksters. How could hilarity not ensue?

BUFFALO ‘66 (1998)
I can think of few better

You’ll never forget the bowling alley scene in Buffalo ‘66

screenplays than the one for BUFFALO ‘66, written by, directed by, and starring Vincent Gallo. Gallo plays Billy Brown, a gambler who did hard time because he couldn’t pay his gambling debt, vowing to get his revenge on the Bills’ kicker who missed a field goal and, Billy feels, is the reason for his bad luck and incarceration. After his release, Billy kidnaps Layla (Christina Ricci) on his way to visit his parents. He forces her to pretend to be his love interest from the life that he invented in his letters home. Anjelica Huston has perhaps the best character, Billy’s mother, a horrible woman who blames Billy for all the pain that all Buffalo Bills fans have endured, starting with his birth in 1966 to the present.

KEY LARGO (1948)
Starring Lauren Bacall and her husband Humphrey Bogart, KEY LARGO was not filmed in Florida at all, but that’s kind of not the point. Bogart plays Frank McCloud, who is recently stateside after serving in WWII. He travels to Key Largo to greet Nora, the widow of his brave WWII comrade. He finds Nora (Bacall) with her wheelchair-bound father (Lionel Barrymore) in a backwater hotel that’s been taken over by some gangsters waiting for a hurricane to pass. In his state of malaise, at first McCloud is reluctant to do anything, but eventually he is motivated to act, and then it gets really good.

JERSEY GIRL (2004)
I know I’m gonna hear it about this one.

“You just like it because it’s named after a Tom Waits song!” Naysayers will suggest. “That’s only why I

How did Bogart score such a stand up babe?

first agreed to see it,” I’ll counter.

“Kevin Smith’s worst film,” you’ll say. I’ll respond with, “Oh, yeah, did you ever see MALL RATS?”

“Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in the same movie equals disaster,” you’ll note. “But she’s dead the whole movie!” I’ll defend.

“Formulaic!” you’ll say. “Yeah, a little!” I’ll retort indignantly.

Alright, I’m going to make a little stand here. No, JERSEY GIRL probably didn’t change any lives. But it gave a couple hours of romantic comedy-grade entertainment. And the Sweeney Todd bit is pretty funny. Yes, JERSEY GIRL got a bad rap. People didn’t know what to make of Kevin Smith making a regular movie with crewmembers and actors outside of his regular entourage. There’s no Jay or Silent Bob in JERSEY GIRL. And when it came out, I myself asked how a Kevin Smith movie could possibly be rated PG-13. What, no snowballing? But I appreciated the fact that he branched out; that required cojones. It’s a rom-com, but it’s a strong rom-com. Liv Tyler is adorable as the video store girl, and except for voice work, this was George Carlin’s last movie role, and his role was, like the whole film, a combination of great moments of humor and underlying intelligence and sensitivity.

So, you see, the idea that liberals don’t love America is bullplop. I love my country and the beautiful art it creates. Happy Independence Day!

*At the time of this writing, the men’s Wimbledon finals hadn’t been played yet, so it’s possible that Andy Roddick brought one home for the U.S. of A., too! w00t!

Purple Rain & First Ave’s Reign (Matchflick column celebrating the anniversary of PURPLE RAIN)

For some reason, July 27 is a special day. In 2007, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE was released on that day. In 1984, the film PURPLE RAIN was released on that day. And sometime in the 1970s, I was born on that day. Back in the day, I loved Michael Jackson, Madonna and, of course, Prince. Friends and I would have long discussions about who we liked better. (For some reason, we suburban white kids grouped Michael and Prince together simply because they were black, and it didn’t occur to us that we didn’t have to choose.) Although PURPLE RAIN was mostly filmed a few miles from my home, I wasn’t allowed to see it because it was rated R. But just because the movie was forbidden didn’t mean the album was off limits. Oh, the songs: “Let’s Go Crazy” at middle school dances, slow dances to “Purple Rain” and the controversy of “Darling Nikki.” (“‘Masturbating with a magazine’?” I wondered what that meant for maybe a full year until a magical day when a light bulb went on over my head.) These songs were a huge part of my childhood and on till today; these songs get regular play on my iPod. Finally seeing PURPLE RAIN was magnificent – I rented it from the local video store/tanning salon when I was in high school – and I have since realized how ahead of its time the film really was. While the blending of   Apollonia Kotero

music with the action was nothing new, the way PURPLE RAIN does it is refreshing. The characters discuss and perform the music; they don’t burst into song as characters do in musicals. The merging of reality and fiction was at first confusing yet intriguing. I didn’t know what to believe. Was Prince “The Kid”? Did he really have an abusive father, whose hateful traits he didn’t want to emulate? The main characters used their actual first names, but, I have since decided, the stories were concocted. While Prince’s character was simply called “The Kid,” the members of the Revolution used their real names. Apollonia used hers (kind of—her name is Patricia Apollonia Kotero). Minneapolis is Minneapolis, unlike how Gotham City is clearly Chicago.

I don’t have to tell anyone in the music business or anyone who’s lived around Minneapolis about the mystique of First Avenue. Fame and fortune isn’t a sure bet after playing First Ave, but, many acts will attest, it won’t hurt. The building, previously the city’s Greyhound station, hasn’t been dressed up. Ever. The iconic stars painted on the exterior display the names of the musical acts who’ve played at the venue and tell a piece of the place’s history. Local boys like Prince, The Replacements, and Hϋsker Dϋ have stars alongside big names

Can you see the stars?

like The Melvins, Nirvana, The Pixies, and the Sugarcubes, who played First Ave as relative nobodies. In fact, I had a ritual during my college years in which I would kiss my left hand and leap to give The Cure’s star a little love slap each time I walked by. I never saw The Cure at First Ave—by the time I was old enough to see a show, they were big enough to play Met Center.

Inevitably, the area has changed. The city has ameliorated around it. The club is no longer surrounded by hourly rate motels and strip clubs. Now it’s next to the Target Center, shiny new hotels and a Hard Rock Café. But the building at the intersection of First Avenue and 7th Street looks the same, and if you drive by, you can imagine that the Minneapolis of today is the same city that “The Kid” and Morris Day rivaled over gigs and Apollonia.

In the event of this anniversary, I urge you to see PURPLE RAIN, especially if you never have. Yes, it’ll feel dated (it has been 25 years!), but that’s the point of history. Plus, if you can visit Minneapolis, catch a show in the Main Room or the Entry. Now that the place is smoke-free it smells better than this dank bus station ever has, and you’ll experience a piece of the Midwest’s rock heritage.

Oh, and while you’re at it, be sure to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

I hate to fly

It’s true; I really hate flying. Of course, it’s better than the alternative (2 or 3 days in a car to get to the beach North Carolina, for example, and then the whole thing in reverse to come home, except now with a sunburn), but I really dislike flying. It’s not what it does to my carbon footprint (I’m very good at telling myself that the plane would be in the air whether I’m on it or not and that I don’t fly enough to cost the earth very much). It’s not even that I’m scared. Shoot, I flew two weeks after 9/11 and didn’t give it a second thought. I don’t need sedatation, like a very dear friend who requires much mind alteration before and during flights all the way to Hawaii or wherever. Alright, maybe ATL’s wind shear is not something I look forward to, but that roller coaster dropped stomach feeling should only occur on a roller coaster. And I do picture the plane exploding in midair over the city just after takeoff. but who doesn’t?

The real reason I hate to fly is that, although I am known for my ebullient and kind nature, I cannot stand most other human beings. And when there are so many other human beings in close proximity, I go a tidge nuts. There are the gum chewers/snappers/bubble blowers. There are the designer imposters purfume wearers. There are the chatterers who ignore the not-so-subtle hint that a book is suppose to drop. There is the man (or boy) who simply must sit with his knees and elbows as far apart as possible, regardless of the fact that his elbow is digging into the side of my arm and his knee is pushing into my quad.  Do you think putting your legs together will make you a girl? Guess what, fella– it won’t. It won’t even make you gay; it will simply show that you are not oblivious to those around you.  Next up, the four-year-olds sitting behind me, kicking the back of my seat whose parents  don’t, you know, stop them. Another favorite was a shining example from last night: a grown woman with a cold who refused to go blow her nose, so every six seconds I heard the slurp of her snot going up into her nasal cavity,  but, as Radiohead so eloquently stated over ten years ago, gravity always wins, so just when the snot is about to slip out of her nose, I got to hear the slurp again.

And repeat.

I can’t really sleep on planes. When I went to Europe, I read and watched the movies to and fro. I generally have a hard time sleeping anywhere except a bed or a couch, but when I’m tired enough I can doze off in strange places. I remember one red eye from SFO to ATL; about a half hour in, I had successfully fallen asleep, which was most excellent because I had a four hour drive in a rental car in the morning upon my arrival in Orlando. I had a whole row to myself in which to sprawl. Shortly after I (and most of the plane) had fallen into dreamland, a man pushed my legs over to sit in the aisle seat. Then he proceeded to take frequent deep breaths which he would  exhale through his nose, rubbing his finger against his nostrils whilst he exhaled. This made a sound not unlike a clogged air conditioner vent. I was in shock, and it still ticks me off. He then hopped around to different seats on the plane, like it was musical chairs. I could hear him everywhere he went, and I never got back to sleep on the flight. This was years ago. Maybe I’ll be able to let it go now that I’ve written it down. But seriously,  it’s one thing to invade others’ personal space on a plane because you simply have no choice, but to purposely wreck someone’s sleep and ignore the unwritten rule that on flights that take off at midnight, everyone should just sit there and be fucking quiet is something completely different.

Can you believe that this rant said nothing about airports? I don’t really mind them. People watching, eavesdropping, having an excuse to eat unhealthy food and waste money on magazines, sitting on the floor and not giving a damn if people are judging . . .  all good things.