A Facebook Meme, in Blog Form

The instructions are easy: list 25 movies that say something about you, then tag the friends you think are most likely to do it, too. Also, tag the person who sent this to you.

Oh, wait, this isn’t Facebook? And the meme isn’t movies, it’s 25 random things? Oh, well, my column, my rules.

1. FIGHT CLUB (1999)
Shows my complexity—sure, I’m generally a pro-Ikea, anti-violence kinda gal, but something about Brad Pitt and Edward Norton beating the crap out of each other without shirts is, well, fine with me.

2. HAROLD AND MAUDE (1971)
“That’s wonderful, Harold. Go, love some more.”

3. UHF (1989)
Shows my undying love for Al, plus my childlike whimsy. And I adore the commentary—Victoria Jackson cuts the call short because she’s making scalloped potatoes.

4. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007)
The Simpson family are a huge part of my life, and in the movie, Marge swears in anger and we

I wish Bruce’s name was in my secret notebook. Oops. wrong movie.

see Bart’s doodle.

5. THE JERK (1979)
The first time I laid my eyes on Steve, I knew what romantic love was and although I was only 6, I don’t think my understanding has grown all that much more sophisticated in the almost 30 years since.

6. STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)
Did you ever imagine Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, and Queen Latifah in the same film? Me neither, but strangely, it works.

7. OFFICE SPACE (1999)
TPS reports, flair, guarding our cake, working 45 minutes a week. Yeah, it’s touched us all.

8. EDDIE IZZARD’S DRESS TO KILL (1999)
The best of all of Izzard’s standup collections, and has taught me most of what I know about teaching.

9. WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996)
What is a small town without a Dairy Queen? Absolutely nothing.

10. DOG PARK (1998)
“Owen” is the saddest name in the world? I guess it is, but it had never occurred to me until I saw DOG

If you don’t well up when he says “don’t die, Champ,” you have no soul.

PARK.

11. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN (2001)
I’ve been leery of public swimming pools since.

12. SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003)
It’s how I justify to myself my unorthodox teaching practices. I mean, at least I tie the music to the lesson plan.

13. SiCKO (2007)
If my raft made it, I wonder if a kind, generous Cuban surgeon would remove my tonsils?

14. FRENCH KISS (1995)
Makes me feel triumphant!

15. AKEELAH AND THE BEE (2006)
I saw this movie, went home, and subscribed to dictionary.com’s word of the day. If I don’t know it, I try to use it at least once that day. (The word of the day for Saturday, February 14: myopia. The Spanish word of the day: ganar).

16. SHORT CUTS (1993)
If you gotta go fishing, why not use your local fishin’ hole?

17. MARTY (1955)
Seeing this movie taught me not to take my feminism too seriously: Sometimes, we are just plenty of ripe

In 1965, she coulda painted anyone’s wagon.

tomatoes.

18. TORTILLA SOUP (2001)
I have the crazy down pat. Now, if only I had the metabolism to keep up, I’d fit right in with those hermanas locas.

19. SAME TIME NEXT YEAR (1978)
This movie showed me that it’s still possible to have a fulfilling life, even if things don’t work out the way you planned.

20. MAGNOLIA (1999)
The number one reason I still haven’t seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

21. A BRONX TALE (1993)
When I like a guy, I reach over and unlock the driver’s side door. I’m a keeper.

22. THE CHAMP (1979)
In my heart, Ricky Schroeder is still that sad, sweet, tow-headed little boy, and not a Republican.

24. PAN’S LABYRINTH (2006)
Everyone needs a healthy fantasy life.

25. CAT BALLOU (1965)
When I was little, my parents let me watch it whenever it was the Saturday afternoon movie, even though in retrospect, I realize that hearing Jane Fonda’s voice probably made them cringe.

Ten Surprisingly Appealing Actors

The other day, someone sent me a link to one of those silly lists (not unlike the kind that I make for this column from time to time). This particular list was the 20 sexiest UGLY celebrities. The people on the list were, in my opinion, definitely ugly (which is why I’m not going to list them here. I’m not that mean), but I didn’t find any of them sexy. This got me thinking, “Hey! I should make a list, but I won’t be so damn harsh about it!”

So here goes: My list of actors who are not traditionally good-looking but have that certain something that makes them sexy. No one on my list is ugly, but if they were non-celebrities in line next to me wearing jeans and a T-shirt at Auntie Anne’s pretzels, I probably wouldn’t give them an extended glance. And I’m guessing that neither would you.

10. Ali Larter
Yes, she’s got some nice hair and a killer bod, but facially, she’s more manly than striking. In fact, if anything is notable about her face, it’s those ginormous teeth. Still, her bad self on Heroes is hot, and when Elle Woods visits her in prison in LEGALLY BLONDE, there is definitely something sexy about Larter in an orange jumpsuit.

Du’s Queue Pick: DRIVE ME CRAZY (1999). Larter plays a disenfranchised youth opposite Adrian Grenier, before he had a group of d-bags following him around.

9. Hank Azaria
I’ve always felt that Hank has a certain cuteness about him. But if the brilliant, hilarious voice work he does for The Simpsons and that six-pack in ALONG CAME POLLY weren’t so well-known, he’d blend right in with the rest of us in line at Target.

Du’s Queue Pick: AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS (2001). My initial gut instinct told me not to see this, as any film starring Julia

Clive Owen- he’s not Colin Firth, but he’ll do.

Roberts in a fatsuit is just not that appealing, but my adoration for Hank Azaria and the adorableness that IS John Cusack won out. Azaria plays Hector Gonzales, the wife-stealing Latin lover who provides much of the com in this better-than-expected rom-com.

8. Penélope Cruz
I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, are you nuts! She is smokin’ hot!”
Sure … for someone who is totally funny-looking. Look closely; she has what I call a push-face. Everything of importance (eyes to mouth) is in a narrow little 2-inch space and everything else is hair, hair, hair. Still, something about her hips and the way she stole VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA makes her very sexy.

Du’s Queue Pick: VOLVER (2006). Cruz is phenomenal in this mystery, and no one writes parts for women (in any language) like Pedro Almodóvar.

7. Clive Owen
Clive was probably a gorgeous toddler. Those sweet, expressive eyes, deeply dimpled cheeks . . . but as an adult, his wide nose, that protruding Reese Witherspoon-esque chin, thicker-than-should-be-legal eyebrows, and exaggerated lip dip are the strangest individual facial features of anyone on this list, but somehow they work together to equal one sexy guy.

Du’s Queue Pick: CHILDREN OF MEN (2006). A science-fiction movie for people who don’t like science-fiction movies but enjoy an engaging look at a not-outlandish bleak future. In CHILDREN OF MEN, Owen needs to save the world’s last pregnant woman.

6. Amy Sedaris
Sedaris does her damndest to play unattractive characters on film and TV. Shoot, when you’re best known for the unattractive and awkward character Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, it’s hard for the general public to know how attractive you really are,

When he’s not Dwight, he’s handsome!

although she doesn’t seem to mind. The people she won over on the Second City stage certainly know. She’s had small roles in many films including ELF and THE SCHOOL OF ROCK. Currently, she is the unfortunately named Ms. Cameltoe in the Wayans’ spoof DANCE FLICK (which I won’t be seeing. Probably).

Du’s Queue Pick: Strangers With Candy Season 2. Purists will tell you to start from the beginning, but I’m kinda partial to Season 2 because it has guest spots by Andy Richter, Janeane Garofalo and Bebe Neuwirth, not to mention the hilarious episode in which Jerri tries to find her lost virginity (it’s on the C drive). And did I mention Stephen Colbert? Did I have to?

5. Rainn Wilson
You might be cringing, dear reader, because Dwight Schrute is such a cantankerous, creepy, creepy character, but do a Google image search, and what you will find is that if the hair isn’t gelled back revealing a huge forehead, he’s not half-bad looking. Then get rid of those weird short-sleeved shirts, replace the glasses with a bit of facial hair, and Rainn Wilson is a tasty, tall drink of water!

Du’s Queue Pick: Six Feet Under Season 3. Wilson is perfect as the odd and quiet Arthur.

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
She’s way too skinny, she looks exactly like her brother except that he got the nice nose, and she has virtually no top lip. Despite all of that, there is something undeniably appealing about the newlywed Gyllenhaal.

Du’s Queue Pick: STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006). Will Ferrell and Gyllenhaal had terric chemistry in this witty, smart, terrific film.

3. Bill Murray
Funny is sexy. And Bill has both down, even as he grows older. He’s always had a receding hairline, he’s got a

Typical, unnoticable Emily Blunt.

button nose that really only belongs on someone playing Dakota Fanning’s best friend, and he’s also got a bit of the Penélope Cruz push-face thing going, but damn! There is something absolutely sexy about him.

Du’s Queue Pick: BROKEN FLOWERS (2005). My favorite of the three Jim Jarmusch films I’ve seen, and one of my favorite roles of Murray’s. I’m guessing it’s the best Bill Murray movie you’ve never seen. Murray plays Don, a committed bachelor who tracks down his exes to try to solve some personal mysteries. Interestingly, one of his exes is played by Frances Conroy from Six Feet Under.

2. Emily Blunt
If you know who Emily Blunt is at all, it’s probably as Emily, Miranda’s “number one” in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. She doesn’t tend to stand out, as she either looks like a sullen teenager or ridiculously plain, especially next to Anne Hathaway. But a closer look reveals lovely, full lips and a set of some amazing breasts.

Du’s Queue Pick: SUNSHINE CLEANERS (2008). Blunt plays Norah, the unreliable sister of a desperate entrepreneur played by Amy Adams. Her part in SUNSHINE CLEANERS is a quiet one, with a few zingers and harsh lines, but her performance in this heartfelt comedy is as impressive as her American accent.

1. Humphrey Bogart
Bogart was an ugly man. At 5′ 8″, he was not nearly tall enough to be a traditional leading man. He was bald, had a horse face, and when I look at him, I swear I can smell cigarettes. Yet, his voice and stage presence made the camera love him.

Du’s Queue Pick:THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951). Bogart takes on Katharine Hepburn, swarms of bugs, and leeches in this movie that has it all — adventure, Germans, romance and two of the 20th century’s best actors.

Comedy: It’s a Dick Thing

When I was younger, I noticed that movies frequently featured full female nudity but not so much of men. Sure, we might have seen the occasional butt cheek and of course, bare chests, but you can see a man’s bare chest by looking out the window and seeing the neighbor mow the lawn (yikes). I asked someone why this was. Although I have no idea who supplied the answer (parent? teacher? priest?) I do remember the answer. It had something to do with the reproductive organs being on the outside on men, but with women they are safely housed inside the body, so breasts and some pubic hair were no biggie, but a penis is on the outside. For some reason, I bought that lame-ass excuse.

Until I saw ABOUT LAST NIGHT. I watched it so many times that I became intimately familiar with Demi Moore’s breasts (of course, they look nothing like that now). Remember that scene where she’s in the kitchen and the light is coming through the window? Out of curiosity and fairness, I wanted to see Rob Lowe’s penis, sure, but I realized that the reason I wouldn’t was because the curves of Demi’s hips were way sexier than any silly old penis could possibly be. Then it clicked. Naked women are way sexier than naked men! (Of

After five years, it’s really not so odd to converse like so.

course, this is no secret to anyone who’s ever seen naked people). This is clearly not new information, and I don’t mean to get all feminist on ya’ll, but it was an epiphany for me. Yep, I thought, just another way that women are objectified.

But there is good news! The Penis has made a resurgence in films. Used to be, the only penis we’d see in a movie was attached to Harvey Keitel, but lately, you can’t hardly flip on HBO without seeing a penis. And friends who have seen Todd Phillips’s new film THE HANGOVER have said there is an abundance of penis sightings. While I’m happy with this relatively new equality in nudity, the fact is that the penis is generally used for comedy (with exceptions, of course, like Peter Sarsgaard in KINSEY).

Perhaps the rules about flaccidity contribute, and create at least a partial need to use the penis in a humorous context instead of sexual.

Many recent penises in films were intended to be funny. Examples:

Jason Segel’s penis in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

For comedies, a tricky task is to keep the gravitas in an emotion-filled scene while simultaneously not driving the guys out to the concession stand. The ironic thing is director Nicholas

it’s funny cuz it’s true

Stoller kept all the guys glued to the screen with the cunning use of Jason Segel’s penis. He is nude when he finds out that he is not only being dumped but that his girlfriend of five years has been cheating on him. His nudity shows his vulnerability and gives Kristen Bell’s funny a chance to shine when she delivers the perfectly timed line “Do you want to put some clothes on?”

Picture of a penis on a giant screen in Will Ferrell’s YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA – A Final Night with George W. Bush

I’m not sure what to say about this. I could try to defend a thesis regarding the political message Ferrell was making with plastering a picture of a penis on a screen while in his George W. Bush persona, but I’ll just say it was a funny bit that used the element of surprise and leave it at that. (BORAT and SCARY MOVIE also used photographs of penises, btw.)

So as you can see, the penis is in no short supply, In fact, I vaguely remember penises in WALK HARD and SIDEWAYS, and have heard that there’s a penis in HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY. And on my queue, a film that I’ve heard is a delightful romp, PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS (2001).

So, dear readers, what are your thoughts about the penis

in film? And what are your suggestions for films that show the penis in a positive light?